When is It Wrong

We are thought that love is good. Some even say that love is God. If we believe in these things then is there such thing as wrong kind of love? Doesn't that negates the general idea that love is good?

I was one of those people that don't understand those people who fall in love to those who are already married and committed especially those who knew that their partner is already attached. Ang sa akin parang what kind of a person are you who wrecks people relationships. It is wrong. The love they are feeling is wrong in so many ways.

I didn't understand it until now. I am feeling something for my boss. I know it is way beyond lust. I can't actually say that I'm in love with my boss but the thing I am feeling for him right now is a familiar feeling that I've experienced before. I actually can't explain but there is this not so moderate feeling that I have for him.

As compared with my previous experiences this is way complicated. Aside from the fact that I'm gay and he is straight, he is my boss and he is a married guy. I never had this feeling before to a married person. I mean yes, nagkagusto sa mga taong may girlfriend but not a married person. I have this belief system that I must never feel anything to a married person. It is wrong. It is very wrong. I despise those people that do that and yet here I am, I am one of those. Kahit ba sabihin mo na it a one way thing and totally nothing will happen, it is still wrong.

I know this is a cliche but you can never teach your heart who to love and not to love. Minsan hindi mo mapipigil yung nararamdaman mo. Na kahit alam mong mali wala ka na ring magawa. Di ba nga, how something good can be bad?

Again, when can you say that the love you are feeling is wrong? Is this just based on what morality dictates? Is it "the love" that is wrong?

Here are my thoughts, I believe that love in general is good. It feels so good knowing that someone loves you and I think it is always a good thing to love and be loved. For me, it is the actions and the way we react on our feelings are those that can be classified as right or wrong. For example, you fell in love with a married guy and choose not to do anything about it because you don't want to ruin a family. It doesn't mean that you stop loving the person. Probably you still love the person but you opted to the do the right thing. On the other hand, if you actioned on your feelings, have an affair with that guy then your action is wrong not the love. Yes you may justify that you did it because you are in love but then the end does not always justify the means.

Of Almost Quitting

Lately, I find myself on almost quitting in every aspect of my life. I started to feel hopeless on things that I wish that I could have or I could have been. Feeling ko napapagod na ako. I was getting tired of my life. Parang I started to feel that I don't want to do these things anymore. I want something new. I want changes. Feeling ko kasi almost lahat ng gusto ko eh nagawa ko na or nasa akin na and discontentment started to take over me. Yes, I was thinking of quitting my job and looking for something else or maybe pursuing what I think I want. I was getting eaten by jealousy. I envied those people that I know that do what ever they wanted to do and getting what they need. I felt that I am such a loser. Yes I am in Canada, I got a good job and yet I thought I still don't have the things that I though that matters.

I was thinking of all these things when I decided to delete my blogs. Naisip ko, I haven't updated my blog regularly na and I just don't have anything to blog na because of my boring existence. I want to start with my Multiply account. I decided to quickly browse my entries. A realization suddenly happened.

I am 26 years old for crying out loud. I should start acting my age na. I mean I should stop being childish and start being an actual adult. My last few blog entries were written like I was still in highschool or college. Masyadong mababaw. I just got too many insecurities in my life that I need to get rid of. I should start thinking of what I currently have right now and be thankful to that. Pumasok rin sa isip ko yung dinner namin yesterday. Some people are trying their best to do anything just to live normally while here I am I was given a chance to live a normal life and yet I am so ready to throw it all away.

I also realized that there are a lot of eye opening events that are happening to me that I keep on ignoring. Maybe I should start reflecting on those and change for the better. Ayoko ng maging bitter.

I also decided na I would not delete my blogs anymore. I just can't throw memories and I learned from those things in my past. I will also try my best to be more mature in my blog entries.

Alone

I hear the ticking of the clock

I'm lying here the room's pitch dark

I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone

And the night goes by so very slow

Oh I hope that it won't end though

Alone...

It never bugged me before that I don't have a someone special. Pero since nalaman ko na in a relationship si JD eh parang nabum out ako dahil ako na lang ang walang partner sa amin.I mean parang naisip ko na if ever na sa susunod na uwi ko eh pag lumabas kami out of place na ako kasi lahat sila may partner na. I just hate the feeling lang na alone.

Ewan ko ba parang with my age right now, parang good luck na lang. Tas wala pa akong social life ngayon. Iniisip ko maybe I am doing something wrong pero parang wala pa rin. Nakaka-inip na rin maghintay. Sigh.

I need happy thoughts and positive vibes right now...

Don't Stand So Close To Me

My day started kinda slow today. Medyo wala kasi ako sa mood. Pero eventually medyo nawala na yung sumpong ko. Medyo nagising kasi ako nung bigla ba naman ako pagawain ng isang file with one hour deadline. Kamusta naman yun. Buti at nakapagkape ako. Dahil tipong I was caught off guard. Buti naman, naayos ko yung pinapagawa sa akin. Geesh.

I read an article sa MSN about where you can find the most beautiful people in the world. Here is the list:

Women:

Montreal, Canada

Miami, Florida

Tel Aviv, Israel

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Stockholm, Sweden

Men:

Vancouver, Canada (I agree with this)

Madrid, Spain

Milan, Italy

Amsterdam, Netherlands

Sydney, Australia

Hmmm.. No wonder kaya super crush ko si Jason because may lahing Dutch sya. Lol. Kaya kahit ini-stress nya ako eh natutuwa pa ako. Lol. I think I need to include those places in my next trip.. I wanna go to Amsterdam. Lol!

Kanina may kalandian akong ginawa. Ewan ko ba for some strange reason eh while walking back to my seat nagkatinginan kami ni Mike. So ang ginawa ko eh yung tipong yumuko then iwas tingin. Tas maya maya eh bilang lumapit sa akin si Mike, may pinagawa sa akin tipong he can do it naman pero parang conversation piece. Lol. Umiral na naman ang kalandian ko. Lol.

I think I'm liking Cougar Town. Lol!

You Keep Me Hangin' On

Infairness, I got a good news last thursday. I passed my supplemental exam for FN1 and I passed my MS1 course. Kahit barely passing eh okay na at least I passed. Hindi nauwi sa total disaster itong year ko. I am kinda on the verge of giving up on my CGA pero with the recent development medyo ginaganahan na uli ako. I didn't take any course this year kasi parang I want a break kasi parang I think naburnt out ako last year. Tsaka I am thinking of saving up so I can take my FA3 course na naibagsak ko.

I am liking Steve lately. Aside from magiging boss ko sya eh natutuwa ako sa mga tasks na pinapagawa nya sa akin. Again, making me liking my job again for now.

Hays, I think things are taking its toll on me. Ewan ko ba parang wala akong gana lately sa mga bagay. I need to find my groove back.