Poison

I am feeling guilty that one of my former team mate got laid off after her mat leave. Kasi parang I kinda blaming myself for dragging her with my issues with my former boss. I mean, she was the one who told me that my former boss bitched about me for taking one day off. Parang iniisip ko if I didn't dragged her name to this hindi siguro mangyayari yun. My former boss can deny it or not but lets face it, she laid her off because of that incident. She got in trouble because of her. Hindi ko tuloy alam if I should go to her daughter's birthday. I mean she gave me an invite kaso parang nahihiya ako kasi I'm blaming myself why she was subjected to this.

Sigh...

Taking Chances

With the latest na nangyayari sa mga paligid ko parang napag-iisip ako sa current na katayuan ko. Another one of my officemates, one of my former boss, resigned today. There are lot of things that happened that lead to that pero in the end the deciding factor was she chooses the thing that she wanted to do.

When we were at lunch her and one of my officemates were discussing of things that they really wanted to do. Parang ako tuloy napag-isip ako. Eto na ba talaga yung bagay na gusto kon gawin? Am I seeing myself growing old with this job? Do I really want to be an accountant?

I believe I found the job that I really wanted but I have to give it up. Until now parang iniisip ko na what if I didn't gave up that job because until now I still believe na parang yun ang calling ko. I was never bored with my job before and I don't mind staying late for work.

Right now, I am on a job that I want to believe that I want. I am takingn courses to be the person that I think tha I want to be. Pero do I really belong here? Is this really the place that I belong?

If I decided that this is not what I want, do I still have the guts to start all over again and take chances? Am I ready to throw away all the security that I currently have? If I pursue the path that right now I think that I was meant for, there are a lot of chances and risks that I need to take, am I ready for that? There are a lot of things that running in my mind right now or is this another phase that I have just because of the current happening at work?

I hope I can figure this one out soon.

***

I kinda felt bad for Steve right now. Kasi parang kahit paano with the resignation of Renee parang he is somehow involved in that. I just don't want to be in his position na parang ipit ka pero wala ka rin namang magawa kasi hindi mo naman kasalanan. I believe right now there is a big speculations na iniisip ng mga tao na kaya nagresign si Renee because of the movement sa Financial Reportiong involving Steve. Kasi originally sya yung hinire to succeed the Jason pero dahil nga sa mga events last year eh she was placed sa treasury tas ngayon nga magkakaroon ng big movement. I know Steve has nothing to do with it pero kahit paano you know he was involved. I don't know if I am soo naive or I just don't care kasi parang apparently everyone kinda expected it.

Hays. Iniisip ko na lang na maybe yung role talaga nya sa life ko is she was the one who helped me to move from Costing to Financial Reporting.

Sigh.

Don't Stop Believing

I was watching Serendipity earlier. This is one of the movie that I really like but since the first time I watched this movie parang unti unti eh nawawala yung faith ko with Serendipity. I mean sa movie parang destiny just worked for them. I mean before I believed that I will meet someone that will be my soulmate. Before it kinda work. Parang may nakikilala ako na nagpapasaya sa akin but then it won't last that long. Tas parang wala ng dumating. Nakakapagod na maghintay. Some of my friends are telling me na how can I meet someone if I am not doing anything. My point of view was if I was meant to be with someone, I will meet that person at the right place at the right moment. I mean that's what serendipity is all about. Parang you don't need to seek out the person that is meant for you, you'll just find each other. But again as time passes by parang nothing is happening. So I followed my friends advice to put myself out there. Like making a profile on those social network sites that is dedicated to supposedly find you someone but nothing happened. Chat chat lang, palitan ng messages but I guess I am really not on virtual dating or meeting someone online. I guess I'm more of mas gusto kong kilala ko ng personal yung tao before ko sya magustuhan.

So here I am, alone. I am actually close to believing that I might not find someone. Ang tagal ko na rin kasing naghihintay and yet parang walang dumarating talaga. Maybe I am meant to be alone.

Although when I watched Serendipity kanina parang kahit paano bumalik uli yung spark na maybe someday someone will come. Hopefully, soon.

***

I think nasosobrahan na ata ako sa work. The other night, nagising ako kasi sumasakit ang tyan ko. Ewan ko ba pero ang naiisip ko eh sumasakit ang tyan ko account code 69104. Tas parang iniisip ko pa pano yung ang sumasakit rin ang Crookston and St. Cloud account eh nandito ako sa Winnipeg tas parang supposedly natauhan ako na parang okay ano ba iniisip ko eh pwede ko rin naman itransact yun sa Winnipeg and then it hit me parang OMG ano itong mga pinag-iisip ko. Shet! Lol.

***

Can I just say Jeremy Priven and John Cusack are soo hot. Lol.

***

I am getting irritated with Sharon Cuneta. Parang she always have an opinion on something which doesn't really involve her. I mean she was like yapping and yappin for all the wrong reasons na I came to the point na I literally shouted "shut up" at our tv.

***

Facebook is losing its magic to me. I mean I am getting bored na, parang yung sa friendster lang.

***

To end this, I think I am feeling something for someone. Ewan ko ba, kasi like with Windows 7 di ba possible yung automatic na nagchachange yung wallpaper mo. So parang everytime I close the windows or parang I show the deskstop parang laging picture naming dalawa yung natataon na nakadisplay. Parang I suddenly feel na parang I think I'm feeling something for this person pero parang ayokong ientertain yung idea. Labo di ba? Hehehe

What It Feels Like...

Using crutches for a week was a humbling experience. As I said before I have a new found respect for people who are in crutches. It is not easy. To be honest, at first I enjoyed the attention like everyone is being kind to you but as days passed by parang yung extreme kindness that they were showing to you parang it will come to a point that you wished they could treat you as a normal person and you can't help but to succumb to self pity. Parang naawa na rin ako sa sarili kasi parang ang daming naawa sa akin. It's a good thing though na my feet are getting better. Mukhang effective yung gamot na binigay sa sakin. I finally got rid of my crutches na.

My doctor gave me an excuse slip yesterday so that I don't need to go to work for today and tomorrow. Eh kaso ewan ko ba, normally I would love a break kaso parang it felt so wrong if I took today and tomorrow off kahit advised na ng doctor. There's a guilt feeling kasi sa akin na parang ang dami ko ng days na na-miss na parang nakakahiya kung aabsent pa uli ako. I know it sounded so wrong pero ewan ko ba. Tsaka kasi ako feeling ko rin naman kaya kong pumasok so papasok ako.

I catched a re-run of Glee episode today, the one with the slushies, wala lang, Matthew Morrison is sooo hot in that episode pati na rin si Puck. Lol.

I should be really studying for my Communication course pero ewan ko ba parang wala na akong energy tuwing umuuwi ako. Sigh.

**Title should have been What It Feels Like for a Girl kaso I don't think the last part of the title is not applicable for this entry.

Crush

I actually want to use "Crutch" as title lol.

So today was my first day using crutch and I think hindi ko sya kayang panindigan especially if you know that you can actually walk kahit paano without the use of it. But again, I need to use it. So maaga akong pumasok para hindi ako makatawag ng masyadong pansin pero grabe tipong wala pa ako sa kalagitnaan ng main entrance kung saan may elevator eh super naiiyak na ako sa hirap. Para syang workout dahil sa effort.

Infairness natuwa naman ako sa concern ng ibang tao sa akin. Like si former boss Mike. Tipong he handed me the stuffs that I printed. I shouldn't stand up raw and walk. He is sooo sweet. Like when he handed me my print outs parang super umalingasaw yung scent nya. Pheromones!!! Wahahaha!

Kay Jason natuwa lang rin ako ng konti, konti lang. He drove me to my car instead of me walking the freaking long way. Nakakatuwa though it was Christy who told him to give me a ride kasi he parked inside, Manager eh. Lol. Pero infairness to him nung paalis na ako, he told me to wait, hindi ko rin naman balak talaga na magpahatid sa kanya since I don't want to be a burden to anybody.

Hays sana naman maging okay na yung mga paa ko.

Smile (Charlie Chaplin Song)

Today, I found myself giving up on the physical pain that I am feeling. Ilang beses akong umiyak dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko on both of my feet. Mahirap kung sa isang paa mo lang nararamdaman pero yung dalawang paa mo na and parang hindi mo na kakayaning lumakad ibang klaseng sakit na naramdaman ko.

I know it's my fault. I should have continued my weight loss thing or at least dapat tinuloy ko yung pag-ggym. Naiinis ako na kung kailan decided na ako magpa-doctor wala namang available schedule para sa akin. Hirap na hirap na ako. Hindi ko na matiis yung sakit.

I want to go to work pero hindi ako makalakad. Ironic. I missed work today and I really want to go to work tomorrow but hindi ko alam kung makakalakad ako. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman na sobrang naawa ako sa sarili ko. Naawa ako sa sarili ko dahil feeling ko isa akong imbalido.

As much as possible kung nakikita ako ng parents ko hindi ko pinapakita na nahihirapan ako. If I had to smile I will kahit deep inside durog na durog na ako.

"If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through for you"

Loser

I have a very bad morning today. As in katangahan mode. I got locked out of the car this morning and like tumatakbo pa yung engine. Syempre panic mode. Eh wala pa namang spare key yung sasakyan nung binili namin. So ayun we have to call CAA to unlock the car. Ang stupid naman kasi. I was in the car tapos paalis na dapat ako when I realized na gusto ko ng tanggalin yung Novice Driver sign. Eh usually pag pumapasok ako ng car eh isang beses ko lang pinipindot yung unlock button so yung driver side lang yung bukas. So unang beses bumaba ako, nakalock so binuksan ko yung pinto ko tas instead of pressing the unlock button pinindot ko yung lock. Eh parang wala ako sa tamang wisyo so sinara ko yung pinto tas nung binubuksan ko yung likod ayaw. Ayun na. After an hour bago nabuksan yung pinto so late ako for work.

Yesterday, Jason told us to wear orange shirt kasi he supports Netherland in the World Cup because he got Dutch roots. So una parang biruan na ayaw na mag susuot ng red for Spain. So ako naman, sa ganang wala akong orange shirt, bumili ako pero yung cheap lang tipong $8 (Php 320 approx). So late ako so parang lahat ng tao nakitang naka-orang ako. So ayun na tinawag na akong suck up and stuff kasi ako lang ang nag-orange and yung boss ko. Yung isang officemate ko nilapitan pa ako para sabihin at ipamukha na isa akong suck up. Tas parang irita sila sa akin. Parang ako eh di sana nag-orange din kayo. Napa-isip tuloy ako if I am such a suck up ba.

Am I such a loser today???

Poker Face

To be honest, I hate dealing with people that you are not sure if they are actually telling the truth or they are just sugar coating stuffs.

Wala lang parang gusto mong paniwalaan yung tao but then parang behind the back of your head parang may nagsasabi sa iyo na parang he is just trying to be nice. Saying it to you gently. Parang ganun.

Kanina kinausap na kami for our annual raises. Inexplain naman sa akin how they'd come up with the percentage. During the meeting parang napaniwala naman nya ako na okay yung nakuha ko. The thing with me is I don't know how to deal with that kind of situation. Syempre in the end sila yung nag-eevaluate sa iyo and if for them they think that what you deserve parang what can you di ba? I actually told that to my boss. I am actually okay with it until just now na parang napag-isip ako. Kasi parang somebody told me na yung percentage ng increase ko ngayon eh yun yung standard rate. Kasi parang nung ineexplain sa akin yun na we had a bad year last year with the order deferral and until now nagcocost cutting pa rin. Pero syempre maiisip mo minsan di ba na parang hindi ba naging maganda performance ko this year kaya ganun yung percentage ko?

Ito yung time na naiisip ko na I want to believe what my boss told me and yet parang behind the back of my head parang may nagsasabi sa akin na magduda.

Hays. I should removed these thoughts in my head. Iniisip ko na lang na at least may raise pa rin ako.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I seriously don't know how to start this blog entry. I wanted to blog something and yet I can't put into words what I want to say. Ewan ko ba, feeling ko something is changed within me. Something is not the same. Sigh.

There are a lot of things that we wanted but not all the things that we want ay nakukuha natin. Sometimes there are just things that even how bad we wanted them we just can't have it.

I like someone right now but for so many reason, I just can't have him.

I want to buy some stuffs for my car and yet I can't because I don't have the enough resources for it.

I wanted to see my trainer for the last time but he is already in Vancouver.

I want to change something in my life right now but I don't know how.

Ewan ko ba. Daming gumugulo sa isip ko ngayon.

Yesterday Steve treated us for lunch. Una ayaw ko pa kasi medyo short ako sa money and masakit yung paa ko kaya ayaw ko maglakad papuntang parking lot. Then Theresa volunteered na sunduin ako sa harap ng pinto ng finance so sumama na rin ako. We were supposed to have Sushi eh kaso sarado since Canada Day yesterday so we ended up with Applebee's. Tas nagulat na lang kami when Steve told us that he's gonna pay for our lunch since magiging subordinates nya kami. La lang mas lalo ko tuloy naging crush si Steve. Wahahaha!

I have this friend back in college. Blockmate ko sya then he transferred to Econ. He recently added me to facebook then nalaman nya na friend ko sa FB yung crush nya na nakikita nya sa gym. So he asked me to send him all the picture of his crush in FB parang ako hello okay ka lang. Then the recent thing that he did that creep me out is binanggit nya sa akin na he thinks that may bf na crush nya and he wanted to see the picture of the bf para daw maconfirm then earlier sa FB ang bungad ba naman sa akin eh kung ano raw ang name ng bf nung crush. Parang WTF?? Creep much??

Hays...